In Sunday’s sermon, I started a conversation around Conflict Resolution and some simple tools for those moments of conflict. As I suggested, it is important for us to not only listen, but do so in a way that the other feels as if s/he has been heard. This can be difficult, especially when we have been confronted or accused of doing something. It doesn’t matter if it is entirely true, partially true or not true at all – the tendency for most any person is to feel threatened. The ego can feel bruised by the attack, and the response for most people is about as far from listening as one could get. Instead, the average person wants to go on the offensive, but that never leads to true resolution of the problem.
Some of the specific ideas I shared in the sermon were:
Don’t interrupt when first confronted. Allow the person to speak.
Don’t interpret what you have heard from a place of defensiveness.
Instead, inhale – take a deep breath or two.
And inquire – ask a genuine question about what you have heard.
These simple steps can help reduce the tension and make room for those involved to begin walking the path toward understanding and resolution.
I also added a few other simple ideas:
Be mindful of posture – are the person’s arms crossed, fists clinched? Does the person make eye contact or not? Don’t simply be mindful of the posture as the person first confronts you, but does the posture change after you listen and inquire?
Watch for extremes – what words or phrases do you use when first responding? Do you say things like, “That’s the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. You can’t actually believe that?” We might say such a thing as a way of pointing out what we believe is the absurdity of the person’s accusation, but do such extreme/over the top comments make the person feel as if s/he has been heard?
Stay away from the “But” – people will often try to sound understanding by saying, “I sense that you’re angry, but…” The old adage is that everything that comes before the “but” is nonsense in the mind of the person who is speaking. There is probably some truth to that, and the person to whom the “but” was directed will often feel as if his/her words have been dismissed or not really heard at all.
What’s one area here that you believe you could put to practice? Is there one of the suggests that could be implemented for the next few days, being mindful of opportunities to use or avoid certain words or language? I encourage you to give it a try…
